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A Swimmer's Story

My name is Kaley Buchanan, and I am a current senior at Vanderbilt University. Recently, I competed in the 2021 Swimming & Diving SEC Championships. The meet marked the finale of a nearly two-decade career. It’s hard to capture the range of emotions I am feeling now: relief, joy, gratitude, sadness, hope, purpose. Reflecting on my journey in sport, the word that stands out above all is bittersweet. At age 22, I am proud to leave behind a firm legacy in the sport. For years, my identity was shaped by the lessons learned from teammates and coaches. I found my purpose in accomplishing time standards and qualifying for the next level of competition. Closing in on the athletic chapter of my life, I hope to use these experiences to inspire a next generation of female athletes.

As a co-founder of UniquelyMe, my peers and I collaborated to create a platform for female athletes, like ourselves, to speak openly about the hidden opponent: body image. For years I have witnessed teammates and fellow female athletes struggle to find confidence in their own skin. Ironically, we rely so heavily on our bodies in sports, but often do not treat them with the love they deserve. To this day, I myself slip into a toxic mindset where I feel at conflict in my own body.

As I began to think about what I wanted to write about in my opening blog post, I thought of more than a dozen stories. Just like my journey from summer league to NCAA Division-1 athletics, I will share each the progression in a sequence of posts. Landing on this page you have already identified yourself as an ally for our community. This platform will be a loving and a supportive space for women of all backgrounds to be vulnerable with one another. Thank you to all who have come forward already. And to those who are hesitant to share, you are welcome here.

 

The Beginning


I was a tomboy growing up. I never refused to wear the dress, but it never stopped me from competing with my male counterparts on the playground. I loved to run around in the mud or play tackle football during recess. Competitive and strong in nature, I naturally picked up gymnastics at the age of 6. I could do hundreds of push-ups and over twenty pull-ups, something that would start to set me apart from other peers.


I quickly became the token ‘jacked’ girl, who could keep up with the boys in any athletic facet. I loved being strong and never thought twice about how I looked. At gymnastics, I was surrounded by girls who were built like me. Muscle was applauded and grit was celebrated. I looked up to the older girls at the gym among the likes of Simon Biles. It wasn’t until my gymnastics days came to an end that my struggle with body image would begin.


I was 12 years old when I quit gymnastics. At that point, I turned my attention to a new beast: swimming. Changing sports taught me that regardless of what I did, there was always going to be judgement in one form or another. Although the days of my gymnastics routines being judged and scored were over, the days of being in a skin-tight leotard hadn’t vanished. In both swimming and gymnastics, your body is not the subject of the activity, but it does often command the attention of an audience. Unfortunately, female athletes often face scrutiny for their appearance when they are merely asking to be judged for their ability.


Unlike gymnastics, swimming meant a brand-new environment where I would begin to practice closely with boys. It didn’t help that I had just begun middle-school and was experiencing every pre-teen emotion that came with these raging hormone changes. Rather than being celebrated for my speed, I began getting made fun of for being able to keep up with the boys at practice. I started receiving comments on my body, being “too muscular” for a female. At the time, I was aware of the comments, but I brushed them off. Soon it wasn’t just my teammates. Family friends and parents of other swimmers would comment on how muscular I was compared to others my age. I felt myself shrink as friends and siblings would ‘joke’ about my strength and appearance. I quickly noticed myself checking my body every time I passed a mirror, slipping into the dangerous mindset of comparison.

I never put a name to this increasingly awareness and insecurity I felt inside my own body. No one teaches you how to affirm yourself and chase away the negative thoughts that creep in each time you see the media praising skinny as beautiful. Recent campaigns have created a movement that pushes accomplished athletes, such as Serena Williams, as the picture of beauty in society. My personal struggles with body image have not subsided to this day. Throughout high school and college, I would continue to battle the demon each day. I have had good days and bad days but feel that being willing to share with others will help to diminish and eventually eliminate the stigma surrounding struggles with body positivity. Today is the first day I have chosen to share my story publicly because I feel it is necessary for healing. I look forward to continuing to share and grow with each of you.

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